Scene 21 - Lemonadish
INT. DRUG DEALERS GARAGE – DAY
Chris paints a sign that reads “Special Treats.†His hands makes the final curve on the ‘S’ and he puts the lid on the paint.
CHRIS
That should give us a legal escape if any pigs ask us what we are doing.
Scene 22 - LSD and a half a bag of doritos
EXT. DRUG DEALERS YARD – DAY
The lemonadish stand is on a street in the middle of a so-called nowhere. Not a prime place for walk-by commercial enterprise.
At the drug stand, Chris and Cameron lay some ruse snacks on the table.
CHRIS
…world’s most glamorous performer.
CAMERON
Not bad.
CHRIS
That’s what I said.
They sit down in folding chairs to wait for the money to roll in. As Cameron does so, something jabs him in the back.
CAMERON
Check out what I found in the kitchen.
He pulls out a Glock nine millimeter pistol.
CHRIS
We can’t use that.
CAMERON
Yes we can, 2nd amendment.
CHRIS
Oh, that.
CAMERON
This is way better than any of dad’s guns. Plus, we can shoot whatever we want without Twee hassling us.
They stare off for a moment.
CHRIS
Do you really think goat tastes better than beef?
CAMERON
Nah, I was just saying that to make you sad. It tastes more like horse.
CHRIS
I know.
CAMERON
So what did you get out of your trip to that psychologist?
CHRIS
Not much really, except that my life is full of problems.
CAMERON
He proclaimed to dad that your problems stemmed from having a goat sleep in your bed.
SQUEAK
In the distant distance, CRUNCHY DUSHANE, a jumbled piece of person from Cameron’s year, SQUEAKS towards them on a dirt bike.
CHRIS
He proclaimed a lot of horse shit about Freud and sexual tension.
CAMERON
But your relationship with Larry had nothing to do with that.
CHRIS
No foolin. People let their dogs sleep in their beds all the time and aren’t forced to eat them.
Crunchy SQUEAKS up to their stand to peruse the treats.
CRUNCHY
CHRIS
Aren’t you supposed to be at scout camp?
CRUNCHY
No. How much is the half a bag of doritos?
CAMERON
That’s not for sale.
CRUNCHY
Oh. How much for the lemonade?
CHRIS
That’s not for sale either.
CAM
Those snacks are just a ruse.
CRUNCHY
Oh.
He looks at the rest of the menagerie.
CRUNCHY (CONT’D)
What about that gun?
CAMERON
That has a three day waiting period.
CRUNCHY
Well, what can I buy?
CAMERON
How much you got?
Crunchy fishes around in his pocket and pulls out a twenty dollar bill.
Chris tears a tiny corner of a piece of paper and exchanges it for the twenty.
CHRIS
Eat this.
CRUNCHY
What is it?
CAMERON
It was labeled LSD but we aren’t really sure what that means.
Crunchy puts it in his mouth and nibbles it up.
Nothing happens.
CRUNCHY
Give me my twenty dollars back.
CHRIS
Give me my LSD back.
Crunchy sees that he is caught is the crushing grasp of reason and SQUEAKS off down the road.
Cameron and Chris watch curiously.
CHRIS
I guess that won’t be the big money maker we thought it would be.
CAMERON
We did get twenty dollars from it. Who cares if it doesn’t work?
Fifty yards down the dirt road, Crunchy suddenly stops.
He slowly tips over without either Hansen boy noticing.
CHRIS
So, you wanna shoot some stuff?
CAMERON
‘Course.
Far behind the boys, Crunchy wanders around like he is following an imaginary candy wrapper caught in a breeze.
CHRIS
What do you have?
Scene 23 - Missing Unicorn
INT. HANSEN KITCHEN – SAME
Robin has his head down on the kitchen table and is crying into his arms.
TWEE
She pats her oldest son on the back.
He Sobs.
TWEE
I need your unfeigning support. I can’t build it unaccompanied.
He wipes his nose on his sleeve.
TWEE
I know not where your unicorn is. However, if commission was done by those brothers of yours, I’ll…
Scene 24 - Pull the nuts
EXT. BEHIND DRUG HOUSE – SAME
SMASH.
A glass unicorn explodes into nothing. Far down the fence, Crunchy dives to the ground, covering his head.
The clip slides from the gun into Chris’s hand.
Along the rail of a post fence sits a glass menagerie of unicorns, dolls, and other cute things. A stick drawing of “Freudy,†with fourteen holes in it, is tacked into the top rail.
CAMERON
Did you ever consider that you can’t even write a song in English, let alone speak Spanish.
Handing the weapon to Cameron:
CHRIS
Yeah but I think my name, Bela Cruz, will carry me pretty far without having to sing.
One by one, Cameron loads fifteen rounds into the clip.
CAMERON
You’ll just dig up your music’s shallow grave.
He cocks the gun. In the background, Crunchy stands up wearily.
CHRIS
It is a better idea than you ever had.
BANG.
Cameron fires. A small glass swan explodes. Crunchy dives headfirst into a ditch.
CAMERON
What about my idea to have a trained monkey to do our bidding and pull the nuts up on the grandfather clock.
As Crunchy lifts his head to see if all is clear, a porcelain doll’s porcelain head explodes into porcelain dust.
CHRIS
I don’t think they are called nuts.
Its porcelain hand is next. All is not clear and Crunchy re-buries his head after each shot.
CAMERON
They sure look like nuts.
The other hand.
CHRIS
This idea’s better.
One leg explodes.
CAMERON
Your bacon motto is stupid as well.
Then the other.
All that is left is a cotton stuffed body and a bit of doll wig.
CHRIS
Well stealing all of Robin’s stuff was no brain buster.
Cameron puts nine consecutive shots into the body until it is nothing more than a shred of cotton.
CAMERON
Robin has been lording these keepsakes over our heads since we were born.
He hands the gun to Chris.
CHRIS
True, but you are giving mom exactly what she needs to destroy us.
The bullets are thrust into the clip until it is full. Back on down the fence, Crunchy stands up, shell-shocked and nervous.
CAMERON
Dad didn’t care, he was too busy being proud of our patriotism.
Chris takes careful aim and a dragon is evaporated. Crunchy starts running around waving his arms over his head.
CHRIS
You mean your?
A glass butterfly peters away to nothing. Crunchy stumbles.
CAMERON
I told him you were on board and you were going to kill their horses.
CHRIS
What?
CAMERON
Relax, I was just buying us time while we establish our drug selling business.
All that is left now on the fence is a ceramic eagle. Chris unloads the rest of the clip but nothing explodes. It clicks as Chris continues to pull the trigger. Crunchy, running at full speed, crashes face first into a fence post and topples onto his back.
CHRIS
You bastard. You know I am anti-feud.
CAMERON
You missed.
CHRIS
It is a little damn eagle.
CAMERON
Agreed, but we are only two feet away.
Sure enough, Cameron and Chris stand at point blank range from their targets.
CHRIS
I don’t want Scarecrow thinking I support him.
The Dushane’s black horse ambles awkwardly towards the fence.
CAMERON
Now’s your chance. Dad is counting on us.
CHRIS
He isn’t my dad.
CAMERON
Bull pie, he is too.
The horse is now in front of them.
CAMERON
You have to do something.
CHRIS
Screw that.
He turns to walk away.
THUD
In a cloud of manurish dust, the horse tips over. Dead. With eleven bullet holes in it.
CAMERON
Holly fudge.
CHRIS
What?
CAMERON
You killed it.
CHRIS
But I…
CAMERON
Dad is going to be proooud.
Scene 25 - Inunfeasable
EXT. HANSEN FARM – DAY
Twee is wearing a welding mask and Robin loads steel girders into the back of the Hansen’s truck.
On her back in a baby carrier, is Hobby.
Enter Crunchy Dushane and his mom EMILY, the friendly, horribly poetic (meaning she looks like a batty old english teacher obsessed with Robert frost and grammar), neighbor.
EMILY
Look what thy sons have done.
TWEE
Hmm?
EMILY
They abused my poor Crunchy and took his bike and lunchy.
Crunchy looks as if he has dropped LSD and fallen into a ditch face first.
TWEE
I abashedly decree that infeasable.
ROBIN
Un.
TWEE
Unfeasible, for they have been at scout camp a fortnight.
She rolls up a blueprint.
ROBIN
Night.
TWEE
For a night.
EMILY
I shall not fain that is a nice welding mask.
Twee nods in acknowledge to her compliment.
Crunchy starts moving his dirty, blackened face like a chicken with bees circling its head.
TWEE
Were it veracitous that they took his lunch, Crunchy would surely ameliorate with less food.
CRUNCHY
What? What what what what what. Blue! Three. NOOOOOO!
Cowering in fear, crunchy rotates roundly onto the ground.
EMILY
Each minute he lives, another fear of thy boys it gives.
TWEE
Crunchy has always been marginally unhinged.
Crunchy stands up, semi lucid.
CRUNCHY
No. They sold Cotton’s snacks and then the ditch and the ‘sploding leprechauns. Aagh the leprechauns!
He covers his head paranoidily.
EMILY
Mark. These wounds will serve as a testimony of the evils of thy house.
December 8th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
[...] If someone has a propensity for a certain type of meat, let them eat it, as long as it’s not your dog. Everyone should be entitled to their opinion on food and no one should be forced to eat anything especially a pet goat. [...]